WHY ME?
WHY NOT ME?


"I'm not having fun anymore!" That used to be my favorite phrase at work when things were super busy or going awry. How little did I know? 

I don't want to have cancer anymore. But, there's no place else to go. It's not like a cold, drink lots of fluids, sleep and take aspirin and it's gone. It goes on and on. 

I want pizza to taste like pizza again. What I wouldn't give to open a Coke, put it to my lips and taste real Coke. It's hard to describe this taste…metal…sort of , but not really. Well, I had a banana last night and it tasted like salt. 

Of course, even if I could taste, eating normally would be cool. My mouth and tongue and gums are so sore that only soft foods actually work. Lately, I find myself thinking I want something to eat, and knowing I need nutrition, but after a bite, just put it down. Of course, that certainly doesn't help the condition I now possess.

According to all reports, I am doing so much better than most people with breast cancer. No nausea. But, because of that, shouldn't I be up and going better? Yesterday, I needed only a few things from the store, felt, I thought, OK. I bundled myself into the car and made it about half-way. Taxol, one of the chemicals, causes my arms and legs to go numb. Of course, my brain engages only at certain points already. But, if the legs and arms can function and I have a list, shouldn't I be able to get around?

Taxol also caused my hair to go away. Sometimes, still, I walk by a mirror in the house or a window and catch my reflection and it scares me. That's not me. Who was that?

The fear of what is to come has finally set in. I try to get my craft projects organized so that doing them comes easy. But, the walls are coming in…… I get outside, take rides to the doctor. But, mostly I'm inside. Heaven forbid someone would sneeze on me.

I would be happy to just sit in the dark.

Whoa….who wrote all that? Little Miss Positive? She must have been on vacation. Sorry.

Ok - here's the deal. Why is this happening to me? I'm a good ol' gal, mostly kind to other folks, hard worker, lots of potential. I've got things to do, people to see, places to be. Well….why not me? Are nice, hard working folks exempt to tragedies? There must be a reason for anyone to have these challenges. I need to determine mine.

Is it possible I had gotten off-track? What have I done that makes me most happy in my life? Thinking back, the times I remember most dearly are when I was spending any and all extra time doing volunteer work of some type. Not only was it making me happy, but I have the knack for sharing the challenges with others, which in turn, makes them happy to be doing for others. Somehow, I had lost that. I worked, it seemed 24 hours per day on projects, projects, projects - all work related. Oh yes, good thoughts and sad feelings at bad things happening were always there, but due to workload, I would push them to the back. 

I also love crafting. There had been no time for such things. I didn't do it to sell….I did it to give and make others happy. I enjoyed the creating and surprising.

Could it be that the "Why Me?" is to get me back to my HEART?


One of the things I've always been good at is "fitting in the middle". I seem to be able to be between two people with absolutely opposite points of view and find the middle ground and help them understand one another. Of course, I was still using that at work. And it will always be one of the things I can call on to get things done at work. But, to what cause? Only work. As I go through this experience, I see many, many places where doctors and professionals and the cancer patients have a gap. I hear of things and, more importantly, feel things that I wish I would have heard from the doctors. Of course, doctors only have so much time. Is there a place I should be volunteering and work at filling that gap? What things would make a terrible transition in life more comfortable for the patient as well as help the doctor deal with the patients. Is it humor? Is it a "common person's" understanding of the legalities? Is it a listening ear?

I also have a knack of putting things into words. Experiences, large and small. Thoughts that would help my friends and coworkers get through the day. I've continued the thoughts-a-day even though at home. I am amazed at the responses to those thoughts - they really are helpful. And, in the end, I believe that my illness has caused a feeling amongst my coworkers and family members that might have even been lost to them. I am still making a difference.

Could it be that the "Why Me?" is to help me use and understand my TALENT?

I am by nature a spiritual person. It hasn't shown outwardly for years. However, I always believed people knew it was there, so why spout about it? And I had training as a child, thank goodness, that taught me the goodness of spirit. But, through many negative experiences I had let the negative take over. Should I be getting back to the spiritual knowledge and beliefs 

Take for instance, such a simple thing as a hug. All who know me at all knew better than to come up and give me a hug. Stay your distance. No personal contact. Now, I knew what deep dark thing caused this reaction in me. But, how unfair to those who love me! Even more importantly how unfair to the loving, kind person that I am. How dare I not allow my love for all these people show to them as well. Hugs are now easy and not only pleasant for me, but needed.

Could it be that the "Why Me?" is to help me heal my SOUL?

Over the years, through many trials and experiences, I have been touched and touched many people. I did many good deeds, with intention, but my intention at that time was not to be recognized. It just happened. Then, over time, I had forgotten. Many things were gifts, but many, as I now recall, were deliberate attempts on my part to make a difference in what was something another soul was having to endure. But, as I think about it, without actually thinking of it, I always tried through conversation or action to share with others good ways to think or look at things. This just came naturally to me. 

Also, over time, due to my priorities, I have let contact with dear people die. Never had time for that phone call or letter to friends I had gathered over many, many years. But, I will get around to it, I thought.

Strange things have happened since I became ill. People from 25 - 30 years ago have contacted me. Good, true friends who have always cared for me, carried me through darkness and thought of me daily. The truly strange part is that they are telling me how I touched their lives. I had no idea.

I get well wishes from people I talk to on occasion, and apparently had some impact on, and forgotten about, thinking of me, wishing me well, caring about what happens, praying for me.

My family has had to pull together on my account in a way they have never done before. And believe me, we are a group of strong-willed women and sometimes pulling together for us is a miracle. Each of us, and mostly me, have believed that we are the strong ones and must be taking care of business. Well, we are learning that we are all weak and have to pull together to get through this.

Could it be that the "Why Me?" is helping me realize who I am and healing my SPIRIT?




I hate that such a bad thing had to happen to get me to look at my life and my priorities. WHY NOT ME?
Celebrities, politicians, normal old every day people are just people. Who knows why bad things happen for sure? But, why not let it happen to me? I am a strong, loving, caring, intelligent person with many things to share and do yet. This can be the vehicle through which I continue to share with others my fighting spirit, win for those who care about me and to enable me to look at my priorities and do those things which are really important to the PERSON I AM. One of my favorite quotations is "I am here to live outloud." Another is something Cher says in Moonstruck. "Snap out of it!"

So, here I stand with much unpleasantness to look forward to. But I will continue to snap out of it, make a difference and live outloud! Look out world!

Connie O.